Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
