But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
