Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
