Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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