But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
