Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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