Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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