Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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