I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That's intense
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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