Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
