Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
