Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
