Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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