Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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