i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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