We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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