my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
