His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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