God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Sober January is a disaster.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
