Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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