I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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