It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
