Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You need Xanax blowdarts
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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