I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
