some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
