Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
