That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
