I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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