i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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