WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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