90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
