Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
