saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
