Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
