I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
NoShamevember. You game?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
