literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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