she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
