nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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