I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
