i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize