I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
