Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
