it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
