All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I intend to get homeless drunk
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
