So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You dont lie about slip and slides
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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