I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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