I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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