Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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