If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
