Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
