Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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