On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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