i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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