hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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