What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
